Letter to my child

Dearest Sweet Pea-

This Saturday marks the day you would have joined our family. All of the “what ifs” continue to go through my mind. I think what the moment you were born would have been like. Would you look like me or Daddy? Would you cry like Brooks? Would you have had a head full of hair and long fingers? I wonder who would have been there. And I wonder how I would have done it all without Mimi.

But, as we both know, our love took a unique turn last October. And although I still cry thinking about the events that unfolded I am comforted by the fact that you never knew any pain. Mommy and Daddy struggled to decide what would be best for you. We also wanted your big brother to be able to best deal with what was happening. I was your life support for those 5 months and I will never forget that special time we spent together. I would talk with you all day long. Before we lost you I read a weekly update on the pregnancy that said you could hear our voices. I am so glad I had that time to reassure you how loved and wanted you were. You were going to complete our family. You were to be the “baby” of the family. And let me tell you, from one baby to another, it is quite the role.

But none of that was to be. . . You were meant to be with Jesus and although I think of you everyday, I know you are healed and living among the angels in heaven. So until we meet again, know that your “life” here was not without impact. Although we didn’t get the chance to see your beautiful face, you brought love to our family. You showed us that we are not in control, and we have to appreciate the time we have with those we love.

If I could, I would do anything to have you here right now. Rest assured Mommy still loves you and will always keep you tucked away in that special place in my heart that is reserved just for my Sweet Pea.

Until we meet again. . .
All my love,
Mommy

Is it March yet?

This is harder than I thought! I am definitely ready for March!

I went and enrolled Brooks for next year. We are sending him to a class that is for children that have had two years of preschool, but the parents are waiting to send them to Kindergarten because of a late birthday. So this will be a perfect fit for him (hopefully). Plus it is at the church that is right at the corner of our neighborhood. I am worried because he went through K at St. Joe this year, but as long as he has fun we can continue to work with him on the reading and math. He will go on MWF from 12:30-3:00. That will be a big change, but I am very excited to have him home with me!

There were three of us enrolling kiddos. 2 pregnant women and me! Fantastic! They were going on and on and on about when they were due, and how they were due 10 days apart, and maybe they would see each other at the hospital, and how neat that would be, etc., etc. I just filled out my paperwork. But as the lady started to take us on the tour, they asked the question. One of them had a 3 year old and one had a 2 year old. They then turned and said how old is your child? I said I was enrolling my four year old in the pre-k and then there was the awkward silence while they waited for me to say how old my other child was. Remember, Johnson County is the reproductive capital of the world. It was then I started to realize that all families are judged for their size, big or small. I thought of the lady who just had a litter (octuplets) and realized that for as much flack as people give her for having 14 children, only children families get the same kind of flack, just on the other end of the spectrum. While I in no way agree with Octomom I do see the judgement on all types of families.

Overall we are doing good, it is just difficult to think of where we would be right now. And for some reason so many people have been asking Brooks if he wants a baby sister or brother. Obviously, these people don't know the history, but it still hurts. Brooks continues to say he wants to be a brother and in my heart I realize there is nothing more I would love to give him! I did think/hope we would be pregnant by now, but I don't think that is going to happen anytime soon.

Please keep us in your prayers as we travel through these next couple weeks.

Just kidding!

So after ten days of no bleeding it started back up again. I called the doctor's office AGAIN and he wanted to see me. During the appointment he checked for an infection, and did both an ultrasound and vaginal ultrasound to check if there was any "stuff" left in my uterus. He said that only one time, in the thirty-five years he had done this, there was a little piece of bone left. He followed it with a, "not to be gross or anything". Thanks for that information Doc! So the conclusion . . . he doesn't know why I am still bleeding. Everything medically checks out okay. While I do trust his expertise I just don't understand how it can normal to bleed off and on for four months. The most I have gone (other than the 10 days after the antibiotic) is 2 days of no bleeding. So I guess I just deal with it or now.

Because of all this wackiness, I am wondering if I need to get back in to see Dr. Brooks? He is who helped get me pregnant with Sweet Pea. I am wondering if I need to redo the blood tests to see if I am ovulating? I have no idea if it is even possible to get pregnant right now with all my body is doing? I was assured there is no reason I shouldn't get pregnant, but I wonder if it is even possible right now?

And now I will stop since I have shared entirely too much information! LOL!

Less than a month!

We are nearing the end. Three weeks from Saturday would have been the big day. It is all surreal. I had a dream last night that my Mom told me I needed to take care of the baby. She was holding a baby, but I couldn't make out who it was. I don't know what she meant? I wasn't sure if she was talking about a future baby? Maybe she was trying to tell me I would be pregnant soon? Who knows? I will say it is always nice to see Mom in my dreams. It is amazing how comforting it is! Please pray for our family as we near this painful time.

On a sidenote . . . physically I am doing much better. I had an infection from all the disturbances. They gave me two types of antibiotics and they cleared it up. Finally after three months, no bleeding!

Prayers Please!

For the past three months I have not stopped bleeding for more than one to two days at a time. I finally called again today because I just know something isn't right. They think I have an infection so I am headed back to the doctor on Friday. Please keep me in your prayers. I just want to feel good!

We made it through!

Christmas was hard! As Sweet Pea's due date nears I am struggling with the realization of everything that happened. I see the date on the milk cartons and can remember with Brooks when the milk expiration showed past August 14th I started to get excited, nervous, frightful, etc.! Well it is getting close to my second due date, but it isn't the same. My milk says January 12th. That means in just over one month it would have been time. To realize 6 weeks from now I would be holding Sweet Pea! I hear people mentioning Valentine's Day (which was my due date) and now the stores have replaced all the Christmas decor with Valentine's Day stuff. I really hope this next 6 weeks flies by and we can look back on this chapter of our lives and realize the rhyme and reason for all of this.

Could this little guy be any sweeter?

We were eating at Chipotle tonight and out of the blue Brooks asked about death. Here is how the conversation went.

B: Did people die?
ME: What do you mean?
B: Have people died?
Me: Well, when people get really old the die.
B: Where do they go?
Me: They go to heaven to be with Jesus.
B: Am I going to die?
Me: Not until you are really, really, really, really old.
B: And then I will go to heaven?
Me: Yes.
Josh: And you will get to play football all the time up there.
Me: You could even play catch with Jesus and throw him the ball.
B: Or I could play catch with "my baby"!

My heart absolutely broke in two. Brooks has been talking about having a brother or sister nonstop lately. Hearing him talk about playing with "my baby" (as he calls Sweet Pea) was just so sad!!

Thanksgiving was hard. At this point I still think alot about how pregnant I would be at each point. However I know that will soon change as the due date comes and goes. Even just hearing about things happening in February makes my heart skip a beat. I am sure each month will be, "Sweet Pea would have been one month now, two months, etc." I just hope that by that point we will be expecting another little miracle!