When things go from bad to worse!!

Today I needed to go to the doctor because my ears have been bothering me and every time I take an antibiotic I get a yeast infection (I know, TMI). My doctor is Dr. Brooks, and he is wonderful! I started seeing him after all the hormonal problems I was having post-Brooks. (Plus, his name is awesome!!) However, since he is so wonderful, he is very hard to get into for unplanned things. I called and asked to be seen by someone today and they said Dr. Ray is available. She was the other OB I considered for this pregnancy. I went ahead and made the appointment with her. I could handle it. . . right?!?!

When they called me back it was to an "OB room". Since she is primarily an OB they had the ultrasound gel, all the posters that show the fetal development, etc. The poster directly behind me detailed when exactly the kidneys develop among other organs. Still thinking I could handle this. . . right?!?!

The nurse must have been new because she took about four minutes to count my pulse, had to take my blood pressure twice, and couldn't get the thermometer to read my temperature. Then she sat down to start inputting my information. I was hoping to avoid at all costs mentioning the procedure I just had done with her. She asked about my current meds, allergies, and then asked why I was in today. I told her I was having problems with my ears and that I thought I had a yeast infection from the antibiotic I took three weeks ago. She asked some questions about my ears and then moved on to the other issue. Here is how the conversation went. My thoughts are in paranthesis.

Nurse: "What was the name of the antibiotic you were on and the reason?" (Crap!)

Me: "I don't remember the name. It wasn't something I have been on before." (Please don't ask anymore questions!)

Nurse: "Do you remember what the pill looked like?" (I try not to remember any of that.)

Me: "No." (Just leave and send the doctor in.)

Nurse: "What was the reason you were on the antibiotic?"

. . . . . long awkward pause. . . . .

Me: "I had a therapeutic termination because the baby was not compatible with life."

Nurse: "So, so, so, after you , uh, gave birth, uh, uh, you had the antibiotic?" (Why the hell is she looking at my crotch as she says this and does she not realize I didn't "give birth"?)

Me: "Yes."

Nurse: "Okay the doctor will be in." (I knew she would bolt out the door.)

I sat patiently wondering how this would go with the doctor. Luckily she was very nice and gentle. She asked if the termination was a chromosomal issue and I explained what was wrong with Sweet Pea. She said the infection could be from the antibiotic or the other stuff. But the nicest thing she did was give me the prescription I needed and offered to only do the exam if I thought I needed it. She said she didn't want to put me through another exam if it wasn't necessary. Huge relief!

So I am hanging on. . . barely! I think this quote sums it up beautifully!
"If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again." ~Flavia Weedn

Awwww and Boooo!

On Thursday our close friends, Kara and Corey, invited us over for dinner. Their son Carson is 7 months younger than Brooks, and they play really well together. They also have Bella who is 1 month old. It was really fun to spend time with them and I LOVED snuggling with Bella!

Brooks was wonderful with her. He kept walking by her in the swing and then he would just stop and smile at her. He then wanted to hold Bella and when he did he rubbed her leg and kissed her forehead. It was so sweet! I took Bella's sock off to show Brooks how tiny her feet were. He then made me measure his foot compared to her's. It reaffirmed that he will be a wonderful big brother. . . someday!

We are gearing us for Halloween this week. Brooks is going to be a boxer. He looks like a little Rocky in his costume. It is so cute!

Otherwise, things are going pretty well. Although the pain never goes away, time does make things a little easier. It is still so hard to believe that we would have been holding our baby in about three months. I can remember thinking how pregnant I would be a Christmas. I do think the holiday season will be somewhat tough, but I know Sweet Pea will enjoy the flood of presents from Mimi up in heaven! LOL!

It's a small world!

I am part of an online mommy community that has various message boards. For each month there is a specific board. I have been posting on the "August 2004 babies" board since I found out I was pregnant with Brooks. Most of us mommies have been there for five years sharing all our joys and hardships. We all know each other so well that it is hard to believe we are technically strangers. We have shared sibling births, stillbirths, death of a spouse, divorces, everyday joys, and more. The one thing that bonds us together is the fact that we have an August 2004 miracle.

I am telling you all this because I want to share what "my mommies" did for me during this difficult time. Not only have MANY of them sent me cards, but they all banded together, bought, and sent me this necklace they had made. I can't even begin to explain the happiness I felt when I opened the package. Thinking of all we have been through over the last five years it means SO much to me that they would care enough to do something like this for someone they have never met. For those of you reading this, THANK you from the bottom of my heart!!

The necklace they sent!

Back to the grind!

I only took a few days off of work, but my schedule shifted enough to where my conference call schedule was thrown off. So this week has been spent catching up and getting back into the normal routine. I am somewhat relieved to be back in the swing of things, but it is extremely hard talking to families for the first time. Since I was so far along all of my families knew that I was pregnant so I did have to address the issue when we lost the baby. Many of them have shared some of their own heartbreaking stories and it just reminds me of how much of a miracle Brooks is.

I have decided that I am going to write a book on things not to say to someone who has just lost their baby. Here are some of the examples of what I will include. . . (Yes, I have heard all of these.)

1. It is for the better because the baby wasn't healthy.
2. At least you don't have to be pregnant anymore.
3. Luckily you didn't carry all the way to term and then lose the baby.
4. You just have to move on.
5. You can always have another one.

I could go on and on. If you are talking with a woman who just lost their baby, please just say, "I am sorry for your loss. Is there anything you need?" That is all she needs to hear.

"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and told her about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold her on your lap and tell her about me?"

Released!

I had my doctor's appointment this morning. It was pretty easy. Everyone in the office remembered me. I guess when something like this happens, people remember. However, when they took me back it was to the sonogram room. It was the last place we "saw" Sweet Pea. When sitting on the bed, I am facing towards the door and the sonogram machine is behind me. I didn't let myself look for awhile. But then I turned around and it was quite symbolic. The screen where the baby would be was black and empty. I realized that my uterus is now just as empty as that screen. But. . . I was okay.

Luckily Dr. Hodes was quick to come in. He checked me and said everything looks good. He said I could get pregnant whenever we were ready. He also asked if people had been peppering us with questions. I told him that everyone has been very supportive, but telling people that don't know is the hardest. He shook my hand, said he was sorry again that we met on these terms, and to call if I ever needed anything.

I was glad to be done. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I definitely don't want to go back there anytime soon. There are way too many painful memories at that office.

I talked with Dr. Ridgeway's office (the perinatologist we saw)and setup the appointment for us to meet with the genetic counselor. The counselors come over from Children's Mercy and meet with us at Dr. Ridgeway's office. They should be able to assess our chances of something like this happening again. I am looking forward to that appointment to get an idea of where we stand. Please keep us in your prayers, and pray that this was a random occurrence.

Becoming a mother. . .

Holding Brooks for the first time.