Definitely not directed at anyone, I just saw this list one of my "friends through loss" blog. Much of it rings true.
20 Things This Parent of an Angel Wishes You Would Remember...
1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Sweet Pea. The truth is just because you never saw her doesn't mean she doesn't deserve your recognition.
2. I wish that if we did talk about Sweet Pea and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning her. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about her with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.
3. I wish that you could talk about Sweet Pea more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten her and that you do care and understand.
4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Sweet Pea. The truth is I love her and need to talk about her.
5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Sweet Pea died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.
6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memories, the love I feel for her, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for her are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.
7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Sweet Pea never existed. The truth is we both know I had her growing inside me for 5 months.
8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".
10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Sweet Pea doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.
11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.
12. I wish you would think of Sweet Pea as a baby and and not just a death. The truth is she was a human life. She had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. My baby was a real person.
13. Sweet Pea's due date, her angel date, and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words that you are thinking of me on these days.
14. I wish you understood that losing Sweet Pea has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to "normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.
15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Sweet Pea. Babies aren't interchangeable.
16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Sweet Pea or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.
17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.
18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.
19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Sweet Pea is gone.
20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you guarantee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?
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2 comments:
Just wanted to express my condolences for you loss of your sweet baby. I found your blog on your post on babycenter. I became a member of the 2nd/3rd trimester loss group when my daughter, Lily, was stillborn at 22 w 3 days. I wish we could spread your 20 things list to the world...because believe me you are going to hear some very absurd things come out of the mouths of otherwise intelligent and sensitive human beings. ((hugs)) and God bless.
Oh Meg, I just happened to find your blog and I so sorry for you loss. Not being at SJI for a semester, I didn't ever hear the details of your loss. I'm praying for you, Josh, and sweet little Brooks.
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