Prayers Please!

For the past three months I have not stopped bleeding for more than one to two days at a time. I finally called again today because I just know something isn't right. They think I have an infection so I am headed back to the doctor on Friday. Please keep me in your prayers. I just want to feel good!

We made it through!

Christmas was hard! As Sweet Pea's due date nears I am struggling with the realization of everything that happened. I see the date on the milk cartons and can remember with Brooks when the milk expiration showed past August 14th I started to get excited, nervous, frightful, etc.! Well it is getting close to my second due date, but it isn't the same. My milk says January 12th. That means in just over one month it would have been time. To realize 6 weeks from now I would be holding Sweet Pea! I hear people mentioning Valentine's Day (which was my due date) and now the stores have replaced all the Christmas decor with Valentine's Day stuff. I really hope this next 6 weeks flies by and we can look back on this chapter of our lives and realize the rhyme and reason for all of this.

Could this little guy be any sweeter?

We were eating at Chipotle tonight and out of the blue Brooks asked about death. Here is how the conversation went.

B: Did people die?
ME: What do you mean?
B: Have people died?
Me: Well, when people get really old the die.
B: Where do they go?
Me: They go to heaven to be with Jesus.
B: Am I going to die?
Me: Not until you are really, really, really, really old.
B: And then I will go to heaven?
Me: Yes.
Josh: And you will get to play football all the time up there.
Me: You could even play catch with Jesus and throw him the ball.
B: Or I could play catch with "my baby"!

My heart absolutely broke in two. Brooks has been talking about having a brother or sister nonstop lately. Hearing him talk about playing with "my baby" (as he calls Sweet Pea) was just so sad!!

Thanksgiving was hard. At this point I still think alot about how pregnant I would be at each point. However I know that will soon change as the due date comes and goes. Even just hearing about things happening in February makes my heart skip a beat. I am sure each month will be, "Sweet Pea would have been one month now, two months, etc." I just hope that by that point we will be expecting another little miracle!

Food for thought. . .

Definitely not directed at anyone, I just saw this list one of my "friends through loss" blog. Much of it rings true.

20 Things This Parent of an Angel Wishes You Would Remember...

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Sweet Pea. The truth is just because you never saw her doesn't mean she doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about Sweet Pea and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning her. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about her with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about Sweet Pea more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten her and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Sweet Pea. The truth is I love her and need to talk about her.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Sweet Pea died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memories, the love I feel for her, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for her are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Sweet Pea never existed. The truth is we both know I had her growing inside me for 5 months.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act and I will never be "over it".

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Sweet Pea doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you would think of Sweet Pea as a baby and and not just a death. The truth is she was a human life. She had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms, a face and a unique personality. My baby was a real person.

13. Sweet Pea's due date, her angel date, and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words that you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing Sweet Pea has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to "normal" you will stay frustrated and continue waiting. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me"-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Sweet Pea. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Sweet Pea or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify that fact that Sweet Pea is gone.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you guarantee that my next baby will be healthy? What will you say if it happens to me again?

Build a Bear Trip!

The Mommy group that sent me the necklace for Sweet Pea also sent a spa gift certificate for me, a Build a Bear gift card and book called "We Were Going to Have a Baby, But We Had an Angel Instead" for Brooks. They are so incredibly thoughtful!

Tonight we went to Build A Bear. Brooks was very excited and the trip combined his two favorite things; dinosaurs and football. He named his T-Rex Oscar because he wanted it to have a name that started with O. He also bought a mini footbal and field goal so Oscar could practice his kicks. :-)

Those of you that have been to BAB know this, but before they stitch the bear shut you put in a little stuffed heart. Well, I told Brooks while he was waiting that the mommies and kids that sent him this special gift did so because we were going to miss the baby. I told him it would be neat to put in two hearts, one for him and one for the baby. He LOVED that idea and was excited to do it. Bless the BAB worker's heart. She said, "Oh, you want to put in two." And Brooks told her one for him and one for his baby. She said, "Oh, do you have a baby at home?" I immediately froze. Crap! And Brooks calmly said, "No our baby is in heaven with Jesus." I was so proud of him, but I did feel really bad for the girl because she of course didn't know what to say.

Just a small reminder that there will always be everyday reminders of what could have been. Luckily I am not seeing many people that don't know about our loss anymore. I did see one lady this week at Old Navy who just started going on and on about how I wasn't even showing. I tried to cut her off, but it is hard because you don't want to make them feel like an idiot, but you can't not say anything. There just isn't a good way to handle something like that.

Here are some pics of Brooks at BAB

Fun, fun, fun!

Well we are gearing up for Thanksgiving! Thursday we will be here with my family, Friday morning I will hit the Black Friday sales with my sister, and Friday afternoon we will head to Salina to celebrate with Josh's family. It should be a busy, but fun break!

I actually have all of my Christmas decorations up (except the tree, because we get a real one)! I have never been finished this early, so it is very nice to be done! The only difficult part was thinking that our family would have been complete next year. As I was putting on the breakable ornaments and hanging the stockings I kept remembering how I had thought next year would be so different with a baby around again. Our stocking holders are letters that spell out Santa. We have stockings for all of us and Maddy. Since there is still an extra holder, Brooks kept asking who was going to have a stocking on the other "a"? I did good and told him that maybe if we have another baby their stocking could hang there.

Last, but not least. I am pretty much healed physcially from the loss. However I have a painful bladder infection that I am starting antibiotics for today. It just never ends! Hopefully all of these issues will soon cease and the physical part will all be a distant memory. Now if only I could say the same for the emotional part!

"There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings." Hodding Carter, Jr.

Rough day!

Today was our appointment with the genetic specialist. It was so much to take in. The specialist was from Children's Mercy, but he saw us at Dr. Ridgeway's office, the perinatologist. Being back in that office was a little tough. I had to relive the "experience" of the last time we were there. And those damn sonogram pictures! Every couple that came out had them.

So on to the appointment. . . the specialist was amazing. He listened and let me interrupt with my thousand questions! Anyone who does that wins my approval! :-) Josh really liked him also. He first looked back through the reports from the doctor and asked us about everything. He made a family diagram starting with our parents, then each of us and our siblings, and finally all our nieces and nephews. We went through and shared health issues anyone had and he asked about our mother's pregnancies.

Next we discussed the fact (which I knew from all the reading I have been doing) that there are multiple issues going on here. Sweet Pea did have Potter's Syndrome (as I had concluded), but the reasons for Potter's syndrome can vary. He said this reminded him of a case he had when he first started working. Considering he was probably in his 60s that wasn't such a reassuring statement. Due to the fact that an autopsy was not able to be performed on the baby we didn't have that data to use. So essentially we are looking at three possibilities. (By the way, he did clarify that Sweet Pea probably had a bladder, but it would not be visible because there was no fluid.)

1. FLUKE
The kidney was MULTIcystic, and the other kidney didn't form. If we have another child there would be no greater chance of any disabilities or disorders than usual.

2. INFANTILE Polycystic Kidney Disease
This would mean that Josh and I each would carry a recessive gene. Infantile polycystic disease is more often than not fatal simply because if there is no fluid in the womb, the lungs don't develop. Any future children would have a 25% chance of being affected by this disease.

3. Polycystic Kidney Disease
This would mean that either Josh or I have the dominant gene. It would also mean that we (Josh or I) has polycystic kidney disease. In this situation the chance of future children being affected is 50%.

So the missing kidney and the cystic kidney are two different issues. . . most likely. The first thing we would have to do is both Josh and I need to have a renal sonogram done to check two things. We would need to check that both of us have two kidneys. Surprisingly, it is much more common than people think to have one kidney. Many people live their life without knowing they have one kidney. He said people only use 1/2 of a kidney to "live on". If one of us has one kidney that could explain the one kidney in Sweet Pea. The other is to see if either Josh or I have a polycystic kidney. If one of us had polycystic disease it should have presented itself by now with cystic kidneys seen on the ultrasound (the only other symptom we might have would be high blood pressure.) This would be extremely important for us to know to deal with our own health as well as our reproductive health. If one of us has this it means the answer is most likely option 3 from above. One of us is a dominant carrier AND we would need to get Brooks in to see a kidney specialist to check his health. (That part scares the crap out of me!!!)

If we both have the ultrasounds and everything looks fine we can rule out possibility #3. After that is where it gets even more confusing. The next step would be to have blood samples drawn to test for the recessive polycystic gene. This would be very expensive and since they don't truly know what was wrong with the baby it will be difficult. Even if they don't "find" the mutation it doesn't mean it isn't there. So pretty much that would tell us a whole lot of nothing! :-) However if they did find the recessive trait in both of us we would have a 25% chance of this happening again.

If we didn't have the recessive trait (although we would never know for sure), at that point we would most likely assume it was a fluke. Which means we would have a 3% chance of having something wrong with our baby . . . just like any other "normal" couple.

Clear as mud right?!?!!?

Really it is like going gambling. We have to decide what risk we are willing to take. He explained that most couples meet, get married, and have babies. As he said, "not many people deal with what you two have dealt with. Your story is tough. This is a very difficult loss and you need to allow yourselves time to grieve." At his point I started to cry thinking about what the last month and a half had been like. He also shared that having a healthy child doesn't mean anything. The possibility of being afflicted remains the same.

Whew! I am sure I have forgotten something, but I know many of you were concerned and wanted to know what we found out. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers!

"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go." ~Author Unknown

One month anniversary. . .

I can't believe it has been a month since Sweet Pea went to be with Jesus. Somedays it seems like it was so long ago and other days it seems like it was yesterday. I actually feel really good. As bad as it sounds, I think having already lost Mom helped make this easier. I am just putting all my energy into Brooks and that feels good. When I am pregnant I am always so so sick. I was even worse with Sweet Pea's pregnancy than Brooks. I was sick 24 hours a day for 21 weeks. So it has been nice to be able to devote more of myself to Brooks.

One thing I have noticed myself feeling that has surprised me is that I am not sure if I do want another child. Right after everything happened I wanted to be pregnant right away. Now I am just not sure if my heart can handle it. I think about how I would deal with it if we had another baby with terminal issues. I don't know how I would go through that again. I also worry about Brooks and the baby being so far apart in age. We had always wanted to have our children about 4 years apart. When we got pregnant with Sweet Pea it was perfect. Sweet Pea was due 4 1/2 years to the day after Brooks. Also, they both could have been born on Friday the 13th. Now we are looking at minimum a five year gap. Is that too far apart? I don't know. The other issue is that we always wanted two children. I now have one child on earth and one in heaven. Do I need a third child with me here?

I guess as time passes many of these questions will be answered. I feel some pressure to make a decision about another kiddo before too much time passes.

“It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things.”

When things go from bad to worse!!

Today I needed to go to the doctor because my ears have been bothering me and every time I take an antibiotic I get a yeast infection (I know, TMI). My doctor is Dr. Brooks, and he is wonderful! I started seeing him after all the hormonal problems I was having post-Brooks. (Plus, his name is awesome!!) However, since he is so wonderful, he is very hard to get into for unplanned things. I called and asked to be seen by someone today and they said Dr. Ray is available. She was the other OB I considered for this pregnancy. I went ahead and made the appointment with her. I could handle it. . . right?!?!

When they called me back it was to an "OB room". Since she is primarily an OB they had the ultrasound gel, all the posters that show the fetal development, etc. The poster directly behind me detailed when exactly the kidneys develop among other organs. Still thinking I could handle this. . . right?!?!

The nurse must have been new because she took about four minutes to count my pulse, had to take my blood pressure twice, and couldn't get the thermometer to read my temperature. Then she sat down to start inputting my information. I was hoping to avoid at all costs mentioning the procedure I just had done with her. She asked about my current meds, allergies, and then asked why I was in today. I told her I was having problems with my ears and that I thought I had a yeast infection from the antibiotic I took three weeks ago. She asked some questions about my ears and then moved on to the other issue. Here is how the conversation went. My thoughts are in paranthesis.

Nurse: "What was the name of the antibiotic you were on and the reason?" (Crap!)

Me: "I don't remember the name. It wasn't something I have been on before." (Please don't ask anymore questions!)

Nurse: "Do you remember what the pill looked like?" (I try not to remember any of that.)

Me: "No." (Just leave and send the doctor in.)

Nurse: "What was the reason you were on the antibiotic?"

. . . . . long awkward pause. . . . .

Me: "I had a therapeutic termination because the baby was not compatible with life."

Nurse: "So, so, so, after you , uh, gave birth, uh, uh, you had the antibiotic?" (Why the hell is she looking at my crotch as she says this and does she not realize I didn't "give birth"?)

Me: "Yes."

Nurse: "Okay the doctor will be in." (I knew she would bolt out the door.)

I sat patiently wondering how this would go with the doctor. Luckily she was very nice and gentle. She asked if the termination was a chromosomal issue and I explained what was wrong with Sweet Pea. She said the infection could be from the antibiotic or the other stuff. But the nicest thing she did was give me the prescription I needed and offered to only do the exam if I thought I needed it. She said she didn't want to put me through another exam if it wasn't necessary. Huge relief!

So I am hanging on. . . barely! I think this quote sums it up beautifully!
"If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again." ~Flavia Weedn

Awwww and Boooo!

On Thursday our close friends, Kara and Corey, invited us over for dinner. Their son Carson is 7 months younger than Brooks, and they play really well together. They also have Bella who is 1 month old. It was really fun to spend time with them and I LOVED snuggling with Bella!

Brooks was wonderful with her. He kept walking by her in the swing and then he would just stop and smile at her. He then wanted to hold Bella and when he did he rubbed her leg and kissed her forehead. It was so sweet! I took Bella's sock off to show Brooks how tiny her feet were. He then made me measure his foot compared to her's. It reaffirmed that he will be a wonderful big brother. . . someday!

We are gearing us for Halloween this week. Brooks is going to be a boxer. He looks like a little Rocky in his costume. It is so cute!

Otherwise, things are going pretty well. Although the pain never goes away, time does make things a little easier. It is still so hard to believe that we would have been holding our baby in about three months. I can remember thinking how pregnant I would be a Christmas. I do think the holiday season will be somewhat tough, but I know Sweet Pea will enjoy the flood of presents from Mimi up in heaven! LOL!

It's a small world!

I am part of an online mommy community that has various message boards. For each month there is a specific board. I have been posting on the "August 2004 babies" board since I found out I was pregnant with Brooks. Most of us mommies have been there for five years sharing all our joys and hardships. We all know each other so well that it is hard to believe we are technically strangers. We have shared sibling births, stillbirths, death of a spouse, divorces, everyday joys, and more. The one thing that bonds us together is the fact that we have an August 2004 miracle.

I am telling you all this because I want to share what "my mommies" did for me during this difficult time. Not only have MANY of them sent me cards, but they all banded together, bought, and sent me this necklace they had made. I can't even begin to explain the happiness I felt when I opened the package. Thinking of all we have been through over the last five years it means SO much to me that they would care enough to do something like this for someone they have never met. For those of you reading this, THANK you from the bottom of my heart!!

The necklace they sent!

Back to the grind!

I only took a few days off of work, but my schedule shifted enough to where my conference call schedule was thrown off. So this week has been spent catching up and getting back into the normal routine. I am somewhat relieved to be back in the swing of things, but it is extremely hard talking to families for the first time. Since I was so far along all of my families knew that I was pregnant so I did have to address the issue when we lost the baby. Many of them have shared some of their own heartbreaking stories and it just reminds me of how much of a miracle Brooks is.

I have decided that I am going to write a book on things not to say to someone who has just lost their baby. Here are some of the examples of what I will include. . . (Yes, I have heard all of these.)

1. It is for the better because the baby wasn't healthy.
2. At least you don't have to be pregnant anymore.
3. Luckily you didn't carry all the way to term and then lose the baby.
4. You just have to move on.
5. You can always have another one.

I could go on and on. If you are talking with a woman who just lost their baby, please just say, "I am sorry for your loss. Is there anything you need?" That is all she needs to hear.

"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and told her about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold her on your lap and tell her about me?"

Released!

I had my doctor's appointment this morning. It was pretty easy. Everyone in the office remembered me. I guess when something like this happens, people remember. However, when they took me back it was to the sonogram room. It was the last place we "saw" Sweet Pea. When sitting on the bed, I am facing towards the door and the sonogram machine is behind me. I didn't let myself look for awhile. But then I turned around and it was quite symbolic. The screen where the baby would be was black and empty. I realized that my uterus is now just as empty as that screen. But. . . I was okay.

Luckily Dr. Hodes was quick to come in. He checked me and said everything looks good. He said I could get pregnant whenever we were ready. He also asked if people had been peppering us with questions. I told him that everyone has been very supportive, but telling people that don't know is the hardest. He shook my hand, said he was sorry again that we met on these terms, and to call if I ever needed anything.

I was glad to be done. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I definitely don't want to go back there anytime soon. There are way too many painful memories at that office.

I talked with Dr. Ridgeway's office (the perinatologist we saw)and setup the appointment for us to meet with the genetic counselor. The counselors come over from Children's Mercy and meet with us at Dr. Ridgeway's office. They should be able to assess our chances of something like this happening again. I am looking forward to that appointment to get an idea of where we stand. Please keep us in your prayers, and pray that this was a random occurrence.

Becoming a mother. . .

Holding Brooks for the first time.

A little apprehensive, but reflective!

Tomorrow I see Dr. Hodes for my follow up. I am pretty apprehensive about it. Partially because the last time I saw him my world was falling apart. He is like a funeral director. The only time you see them are for a "bad reason". I just keep telling myself it will all go okay and I will be done with the physical part of losing Sweet Pea.

I have come to realize there are pregnant women everywhere! Okay, that sounds like a dumb statement, but good God, I think Johnson county is the fertile capital of the world. Everywhere you turn there are preggos and most often they have at least one other fairly young child with them. HOWEVER. . . the worst experience I have had to face is the pregnant woman who was shopping in the baby section with her mother. I do believe time stood still as I stared at what I used to have. Not only did I used to be pregnant, but I use to have my Mom. Whenever Mom and I shopped for Brooks, while he was still in utero, I never thought about the women around me. I never wondered if seeing Mom and I together was painful. Did it remind them of their loss, baby or mother? It is odd how everything is relative. After Mom died I thought nothing could be worse than what I was experiencing. Then add on the loss of our baby and I think I have officially reached my breaking point. I am just praying to God that nothing else severe happens in my life anytime soon or I might just give up. It would be, "the straw that broke the camel's back" for sure!

I guess when I look back on the 25 years I had with my Mom, I am so thankful that I got to experience what it felt like to have someone that truly loved me as a mother should. Her love was unconditional, everlasting, intense, kind, joyful, etc. Some of the best memories I have in my life are with my Mom. (Really I should say with my family, my Dad is the best Dad in the world. I am very blessed to have two AMAZING parents.) I have never laughed so hard with someone, been so similar to someone, or enjoyed someone like I did my Mom. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE spending time with Brooks, Josh, my Dad, Tiff, etc., but I was able to revert back into a child when I was with Mom (whether good or bad). It seems like with everyone else I have a role and responsibilities. I am a mother, wife, daughter (I am always wanting to "take care" of my Dad), sister, etc. With Mom I could just be Meg, the goofy little girl. I was always able to be that with my Dad also, but the roles change when a member of the family passes away. Once Mom passed away I needed and wanted to be there for my Dad in a much more maternal and responsible way. I felt like I needed to help close the gap of my Mom's loss.

Then when I became a mother I wanted all the same wonderful things for Brooks. I wanted him to feel the warmth, comfort, and safety a true mother's love brings. Everyday I work to make this happen for him. Some days I am better at it than others, but hopefully, regardless of how many years I have on this earth, I pray he will feel the joy I felt being a child to Mom. I hope I am showing him that in this world there is nothing I am more proud of and more devoted to than him!

Now this does relate to Sweet Pea's passing. . .
Since I now "know" all of these things I listed above having been a mother, the pain of losing Sweet Pea is 100 times more intense. I know what would have been. I can see what I am missing out on with my baby. And I will never get a shot at it with him/her. That is what truly breaks my heart!


“Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted.” -Garrison Keillor

What a beautiful song!

The Things We've Handed Down by Marc Cohn is a beautiful song for unborn children. I really enjoy the message it gives. You can listen to it at this link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9KvlZWQzRA


Here are the lyrics.

Don't know much about you
Don't know who you are
We've been doing fine without you
But, we could only go so far
Don't know why you chose us
Were you watching from above
Is there someone there that knows us
Said we'd give you all our love


Will you laugh just like your mother
Will you sigh like your old man
Will some things skip a generation
Like I've heard they often can
Are you a poet or a dancer
A devil or a clown
Or a strange new combination of
The things we've handed down


I wonder who you'll look like
Will your hair fall down and curl
Will you be a mama's boy
Or daddy's little girl
Will you be a sad reminder
Of what's been lost along the way
Maybe you can help me find her
In the things you do and say

And these things that we have given you
They are not so easily found
But you can thank us later
For the things we've handed down


You may not always be so grateful
For the way that you were made
Some feature of your father's
That you'd gladly sell or trade
And one day you may look at us
And say that you were cursed
But over time that line has been
Extremely well rehearsed
By our fathers, and their fathers
In some old and distant town
From places no one here remembers
Come the things we've handed down

Normalcy and Friends!!

Our friends Ami and David came over tonight to bring us dinner. It was SO nice of them to think of us during this stressful time. We talked them into staying to eat with us. It was so fun and relaxing to spend time with them. It reminds us how much we miss living by them. They are both such good listeners and have always been very supportive of us. They also experienced a loss in the past so it was nice to have someone who understood, in a roundabout way.

Two days ago I had my first regret. I wondered if we made the right decision. I realized I would still be carrying Sweet Pea had we made the other choice. I miss feeling the baby kick and flip. I miss people looking at me and knowing I was pregnant. I miss Brooks telling me my belly is getting bigger. I miss the excitement of being pregnant. I miss looking online at crib bedding and baby stuff. My brain knows we made the right decision, but my heart says something different. My heart says maybe the baby would have made it. Maybe I would have been a parent to two. Maybe all the love in the world could have saved Sweet Pea. Again, I know these thoughts are all from my heart, but I still wonder what it would have been like had I carried Sweet Pea to term. There would be official record of Sweet Pea's existence. I wouldn't have the weight of the "procedure" I had done on my shoulders. I would have been able to see Sweet Pea and know if the baby was a he/she. But. . . I know the reality of everything is it wouldn't be the way I imagine it. It would be heartbreaking, painful, and debilitating. It would tear our hearts out to see our child die so quickly after birth. But in my dreams, it always looks different and the outcome is always better.

Plugging along!

Hopefully you all saw the message that it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. My prayers are with every mother, father, grandparent, sibling, etc. that has lost a little one. God bless all the little ones that never got a shot at life.

As for us, we are here and doing pretty well. I still am having trouble adjusting to the fact that I was 5 months pregnant one day and not pregnant the next. That is quite a shock physically and emotionally. I am healing pretty well, but it sucks that I am dealing with everything that you normally deal with after a vaginal birth. My follow up appointment is on Monday and then I should be "released". This is actually bittersweet. I don't know that I want it to all be over because then the true healing must begin. However I think it is best that I begin to learn to live with this loss. It seems like as long as other things in my life are going okay I do fine. It is when other things start to fall apart that I fall apart. Like for instance our Internet went out two days ago and Maddy had an ear infection. You would have thought the world was ending. But it just seems like I can't handle much more than what is on my plate right now. I also think it is magnified because I NEED my Mom to get through this. I am glad she is up there rocking and loving on Sweet Pea, but I still need her here. I find myself wondering what she would say to comfort me.

I also want so badly to be pregnant. I know that I just want to be pregnant again with Sweet Pea, but it is like I need that happiness in my life. Josh is not so convinced. He would be content with just Brooks. He also is not ready to face the fact of something like this happening again. I feel like I want a sibling for Brooks and I can't imagine ending my childbearing years on this sad of note. I guess time will tell. One thing I do know is that if we have another child we will forever answer questions about why they are so spread out.

And to end with a perfect quote. . .
"I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday."

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day!!

The Cord

One of my mommy friends sent me this poem. It is truly beautiful and very fitting.

The Cord
We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

It's just a shirt right?!?!

I went in to pick up something for lunch at Moe's because anytime the boys eat McDonalds, I eat Moe's since it is right next door and McDonalds makes me want to gag.

I walked in, turned and saw the shirt. I knew the minute I saw the beading at the top it was the same one. I had bought the exact maternity shirt just a month ago. I LOVED the shirt and thought that since this would be my last pregnancy I deserved to get it. It looked odd to me to see "her" wearing it. That was supposed to be my maternity shirt. It was going to show off my belly that everyone would coo and ahh over. Not hers. . . mine!

I saw her sillhoutte walk by with the round plump tummy. I then looked down at my deflated tummy and the wave hit. Any of you that have lost someone close to you will know what the wave is. It is a point when a rush of emotions, memories, stories, joys, etc. comes to you in one big wave. It reminds me of a panic attack, except it is more of like a grieving attack. However, the symptoms are very similar. . .shortness of breath, frozen in fear, possibly anger, severe sadness. Well I was definitely having a "grieving attack". Luckily I just pretended to be staring and the menu on the wall, plus looking up helps to keep the tears in.

By the time I ordered I was okay. I thought I might wear that shirt someday and hopefully it wouldn't cause a panic attack for a grieving mother.

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."

Having been through my Mom's sudden death at a young age and now this I truly understand what it means to have supportive, loving, caring family and friends. I am always amazed at the kindness of others. I told Josh it restores my faith in mankind.

I could list all of our family, friends, coworkers, online mommy friends, neighbors, etc., but each of you know who you are. Hopefully you have felt and seen how grateful we are that you are a part of our lives. And if, God forbid, something terrible ever happened to you, I promise we will be there full of support and love.

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for taking care of us during what has been a very difficult time! I feel like each card, note, hug, phone call, meal, email, flower arrangement, meal giftcard, etc. has lifted us one rung higher on the ladder we are using to climb out of this deep sadness.

"A friend will be there for you when things are good...but a TRUE friend will be there for you when things are good and also when things are very bad...and just when it feels like you will never smile again...she can put a smile on your face with just with a hug!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

I think I did pretty good this week!

Whew! What a week! I am so glad it is almost Friday. Although, I can't believe it has been a week since we lost Sweet Pea. I guess time really does march on.

I just have share my successes for the week because I am quite proud if I do say so myself! :-)

Monday I took the baby gear we had bought back to Target. Luckily we only had the swing and highchair to return. Everything else I am going to keep for now. . .or later. So I loaded up the stuff and walked in thinking to myself, "if only everyone knew why I was here". I went up to the counter and told the worker I needed to return these things. I waited for his response. . . "Is there anything wrong with them?" I wanted to shout at him that they were all fine, but my baby wasn't so I wouldn't be needing them, but I mustered a simple "no". You would be amazed at the amount of strength just muttering a simple no took. However he didn't ask anymore questions and I didn't make any small talk as I would usually do. (Success #1) I went ahead and walked around Target because I LOVE to walk around Target. I avoided the baby section like the plague because I had been there the Thursday before our ultrasound and picked out some things I wanted to buy based on if it was a girl or boy. Okay. . .time to go!

I was on my way to the Dodge dealer because my wonderful husband bought me a new car on Saturday to lift my spirits. (We had been talking about trading the van in.) However, on Sunday, even though I parked far away, someone let a shopping cart ding and scratch my less than 24 hour old car. Grrrrrr!!!! The dealership would be able to fix it at noon so I headed to Panera with my laptop to get some work done (free WiFi). While I was there I saw a parent of my one of my old students. We talked a little about her son and she asked about my family. I told her Brooks has just turned 4. . . and then I waited for it. "So when are you going to have another one?" she asked. An innocent enough question a week ago, but a fully loaded question now. I smiled (although it probably looked more like I had gas) and said, "we will just have to see". (Success #2)

My car got fixed. Yeah! And I made it through the rest of the day. I will say that Monday was one of the most difficult because Brooks was back at school and Josh was at work. Normally these times when I was alone I would talk with Sweet Pea about all kinds of things and now there was nobody to talk to.

Tuesday came and went.

Wednesday I had to go in to work. I thought all of them knew, but that wasn't the case. One of my coworkers asked how I was feeling. When I answered fine he followed up with, "it's not twins is it?" My coworker across the table winked at me as the tears started to fall. Luckily she told me she would tell him. I told her thank you because I just couldn't say it yet. (Success #3)

Thursday was a "good" day. I talked with the lady at the cemetary who we worked with when Mom passed away. No tears. (Success #4) I think for now we have decided against a burial. Then I went to Amos to pick up Sweet Pea's ashes. I walked in and not only was I thinking about all the memories with Mom, but I was wondering why I had to be back in this place of having lost someone so close to me again. As I walked into the office the receptionist smiled and asked how she could help me. I told her that I was here to pick up my baby's ashes. Mid-sentence Mark walked in who did all the arrangements with us for Mom and asked what I was doing? He is always so kind and remembers me everytime I come in there for something. He even gave me a tour of the prep room when I asked. Anyway, he heard me say "my baby's ashes" and that look came over his face and he said, "you lost a baby". I explained that last week when I called I had asked for him but he was on vacation. They went to the back of the office to get the ashes and I about gasped when they opened the cabinets and they were full to the brim of boxes of people's ashes. That was a little unnerving. Pretty much all of the boxes were about a shoebox size, but not mine. They brought me this box that was about the size of those little animal cracker boxes. I actually was kind of at peace when they handed it to me. (Success #5) The box was sealed and had a label that said, "The Body of Baby Jahnke" and then some number for identification. I had already decided I was going to take the ashes over to the cemetary and open them on Mom's bench. After talking with Mark for awhile about anything and everything I headed to the cemetary.

Opening the ashes was really scary. I wasn't sure what they would look like so I guess I was just a little scared of the unknown. But I opened them "with" Mom. (Success #6) I talked with her for awhile and asked her to take care of Sweet Pea.

Afterwards I was spent. I headed home to get some work done and realized that although life would never be the same, maybe it would someday feel okay.

What a cruel joke!

Who in their right mind thought it would be a good idea to have a woman who just lost their baby lactate? Shouldn't there be some magic hormone that is released if your baby passes away? Maybe I will contact a few researchers about that! LOL!

The Beginning of the End

As we prepared ourselves for our Sweet Pea's "birth" we were somewhat at peace with the decision we made. The medical community as well as friends and family fully supported the decision we made. As many said, there is really only one choice. All those people will never know how much that means to us!!!!!!!

The actual procedure was excruciatingly painful, both physically for me and emotionally for Josh and I. It was one of the points in your life where you feel like this couldn't be happening to you. This is something that happens to other people. We did everything right! Why us?

Surprisingly Josh and I both felt a sense of relief when the two days we over. We were confident in our decision, but in shock at the magnitude of what just happened.

Then came the aftermath.

One of these things is not like the other. . .

I can remember watching all the couples walk out of the perinatologist office with multiple pictures of their babies and smiles on their faces. The receptionist would ask when they needed to reschedule for and they would look at each other and come up with a mutual time that worked for both of them to come back. And then they went about their day.

As the room cleared out and we were the only ones left Josh leaned over to me and said do you think they are keeping us as the last appt. before lunch so that we have as much time as needed. Hmmm. . .interesting thought. (Bad sign #1)

So we went back and had out appt. with the doctor which I talked about in an earlier post. Afterwards they ushered us to a conference room and asked if we would like anything to drink. (Bad sign #2) The nurse practioner said she would give us sometime to just be together while she made the necessary calls. She needed to call other doctor's offices to see about availability. When she cam back in she hand us a book about losing you baby in utero or shortly after birth. (Bad sign #3) She also gave us two pamphlets on infant hospice centers in the area. (Bad sign #4). After some more paperwork we were on our way with our "goodies". We didn't get to walk out with smiles on our faces and ultrasound pictures in hand. Nope, we walked out with all our infant loss materials. As we walked past the desk I started to ask if they need anything else from us (meaning payment, scheduling) and she practically cut me off saying we were good to go. I wonder if my eyes being practically swollen shut from crying gave it away? (insert sarcasm)

We got in the car and drove. I honestly can't even remember where we went next. I remember saying something about Josh still needing wrinkle release for his work pants (as if that was a priority), so we went and walked around Target like zombies picking up just some wrinkle release. After that we ate some lunch and tried to act as normal as possible. Luckily we were still in the shock phase and had no idea that the “perfect storm” was brewing and would hit in the next couple of days.

Making a Choice

Because of how late we were in our pregnancy our options were limited if we chose to interrupt the pregnancy. So our decision had to be made quick.

My first thoughts. . . I can't imagine carrying this baby and waking up everyday wondering if Sweet Pea was still alive. And I really couldn't imagining carrying to term and watching Sweet Pea suffocate the first few minutes of his/her life. On the other hand I hated the thought of playing God. However our baby was dying and would it be good for Sweet Pea or my body to continue this pregnancy much longer? There is no changing100% chance of not surviving. . .no questions.

Sounds like my mind was made up. The lesser of two evils was to interrupt the pregnancy now. That was a guarantee that Sweet Pea would go gently to heaven. (Be ready Mimi!)

Luckily Josh was thinking all the same thoughts.

Not to sure that weight on the shoulders felt much lighter!?!?!?!?

How we got to where we are at right now

On Friday, September 22nd we had our standard 20 week ultrasound. Josh had taken the day off and we were going to go to Babies 'R' Us and shop for coming home outfits depending on if it was a girl or a boy. We were so bummed when we couldn't find out the sex. Thank goodness we could not see into the future at this point.

So we went to lunch at Panera and I was a crazy lady wanting to know the sex. Josh finally told me to call the place back and see if we could run in and get a scan done real quick after lunch to see if sweet pea had moved. (I think he was just tired of listening to me talk about it!) So they let us come back and Sweet Pea had moved but had his/her feet right over the "goods". Strike 2.

That weekend we went to Salina to visit the Jahnke side.

Monday morning I went to the Apple Orchard with Brooks' school. On the way I called Dr. Estrada (my OB) and left a message for the nurse because I needed a letter from Dr. E saying it was okay to get a 3D/4D ultrasound. I enjoyed the field trip immensely and so did the kids. When I got home I had alot of work to catch up on. When I got in my car I noticed I had a voicemail from Dr. Estrada's office. I listened to it and heard that it was from her office but didn't catch the nurse's name. So I listened again and realized it was Dr. Estrada herself. My first thought was they were light on staff, or she wanted to tell me she doesn't like her patients to get 3D/4D ultrasounds. Then a switch flipped.

She got my ultrasound results today.
The doctor would only call if something was wrong.

And then I started to panic. I called the office and told the receptionist I had a message to call Dr. Estrada. She asked if I remember the name of the nurse and I said that is was actually Dr. E. She acted surprised (which scared me more) and said let me see if I can get her. At this time I am on my way driving to get Brooks from school. Dr. Estrada gets on the phone right away and says. . .
We are going to send you to a perinatologist, Dr Ridgeway at Overland Park Regional, we already made sure that take your insurance. On the sonogram they only saw one kidney and the fluid was very low. (I asked if we were talking about a viability issue.) She said that babies can live with one kidney and the good news was the spine, stomach, heart, femurs, skull, etc. all looked really good.

So at this point I am still quite contained. I had thought our sonographer wasn't real thorough so maybe she just missed it? Maybe the fluid was because I was dehydrated? I am sure it was just a fluke that will be figured out!

By the time Josh made it home from work I was getting nervous. He walked in and said the usual hellos and then looked at me and asked what was wrong. I said, "the baby only has one kidney and really low fluid". As I was telling him I burst into tears. Saying it out loud made me realize just how serious this might be.

And then the stress of waiting and mind wandering began. The first appointment the perinatologist had was on Thursday at 11:30. Oh good God! So I called the office and asked them to please call if they had a cancellation. They called later and there was an appt. at 11:30 on Wed.

So the peri appoint comes and we have hashed out every possible scenario and how we would feel. I was fine until they got us back into the room with the big plasma screen to view the ultrasound. At that point my nerves got the best of me and I lost it. In all honesty, I never stopped crying the entire appointment, even before we knew anything. Mothers intuition. . .I knew it was bad!

Dr. Ridgeview was wonderful and it was of course wonderful to see Sweet Pea on the big screen. he gave us the facts, no sugarcoating, but somehow he still did seem sympathetic. We asked questions, he gave more information, we ask more questions and he gave us even more information. The main words I heard were when he said, "this is not a baby that can live outside of you".

The magnitude of the situation hit me at that point. We were not going to raising our baby. There would be no hugs, no kisses, no Christmas mornings, no first steps, no snuggle times or birthday parties. This is the reality!

Our baby had no bladder, a multicystic kidney, a missing kidney, underdeveloped lungs, and absolutely no amniotic fluid. There is no changing this. You can't magically create a bladder, you can't do anything about underdeveloped lungs.

So dare we ask Dr. Ridgeview. . . what are our choices?
1. Carry the pregnancy to term and lose the baby
2. End the pregnancy now and lose the baby

Where is choice 3? Because neither of the two up there are choices any parent should have to make regarding their child. Unfortunately. . . no 3rd choice. That's it. Nobody else can help us decide. Just Josh and I with the weight of the world on our shoulders praying and hoping we make the right decision. No matter what the outcome is we have lost our child. . . forever!

Why write all this?!?!

I don't want to forget this pregnancy happened. I don't want to become pregnant again and say it is is my second child. I need an outlet for this hurt, anger, rage, and sadness. What better way than to get my thoughts out on here.

Honestly though, the main reason is I am hoping as I look back through this in a month, year, etc. I will realize how far I have come from this dark place.

Here Comes #2

June 7th, 2008 I found out I was pregnant. I couldn't believe that we would be blessed with another child. Josh and I were talking about putting fans in all the bedrooms and he said we didn't need to put one in the guest room until we were having a baby. So I told him he better plan on putting one in that room! He "got it" right away. He smiled and I can remember how similar his facial expression looked to when I told him we were pregnant with Brooks.

Sweet Pea's pregnancy started out differently. I didn't get sick until about 6 weeks (with Brooks it was 4). However, with Brooks it stopped at about 13 weeks and I was sick everyday until the end of this pregnancy. With Brooks I craved cheese quesadillas, with sweet pea it was salad!

There were also some things that were different in a really special way. When I was pregnant with Brooks I couldn't understand the love i would feel foe this "blob" that was inside me. As sweet pea grew I knew the love i would have for him/her. I knew what a mother's love was like. . .how strong, everlasting, encouraging, unconditional,etc. Although I had seen all of these from my Mom, being the Mom instead of the child is so different.

So this is how it al started. . .