One month anniversary. . .

I can't believe it has been a month since Sweet Pea went to be with Jesus. Somedays it seems like it was so long ago and other days it seems like it was yesterday. I actually feel really good. As bad as it sounds, I think having already lost Mom helped make this easier. I am just putting all my energy into Brooks and that feels good. When I am pregnant I am always so so sick. I was even worse with Sweet Pea's pregnancy than Brooks. I was sick 24 hours a day for 21 weeks. So it has been nice to be able to devote more of myself to Brooks.

One thing I have noticed myself feeling that has surprised me is that I am not sure if I do want another child. Right after everything happened I wanted to be pregnant right away. Now I am just not sure if my heart can handle it. I think about how I would deal with it if we had another baby with terminal issues. I don't know how I would go through that again. I also worry about Brooks and the baby being so far apart in age. We had always wanted to have our children about 4 years apart. When we got pregnant with Sweet Pea it was perfect. Sweet Pea was due 4 1/2 years to the day after Brooks. Also, they both could have been born on Friday the 13th. Now we are looking at minimum a five year gap. Is that too far apart? I don't know. The other issue is that we always wanted two children. I now have one child on earth and one in heaven. Do I need a third child with me here?

I guess as time passes many of these questions will be answered. I feel some pressure to make a decision about another kiddo before too much time passes.

“It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things.”