On Friday, September 22nd we had our standard 20 week ultrasound. Josh had taken the day off and we were going to go to Babies 'R' Us and shop for coming home outfits depending on if it was a girl or a boy. We were so bummed when we couldn't find out the sex. Thank goodness we could not see into the future at this point.
So we went to lunch at Panera and I was a crazy lady wanting to know the sex. Josh finally told me to call the place back and see if we could run in and get a scan done real quick after lunch to see if sweet pea had moved. (I think he was just tired of listening to me talk about it!) So they let us come back and Sweet Pea had moved but had his/her feet right over the "goods". Strike 2.
That weekend we went to Salina to visit the Jahnke side.
Monday morning I went to the Apple Orchard with Brooks' school. On the way I called Dr. Estrada (my OB) and left a message for the nurse because I needed a letter from Dr. E saying it was okay to get a 3D/4D ultrasound. I enjoyed the field trip immensely and so did the kids. When I got home I had alot of work to catch up on. When I got in my car I noticed I had a voicemail from Dr. Estrada's office. I listened to it and heard that it was from her office but didn't catch the nurse's name. So I listened again and realized it was Dr. Estrada herself. My first thought was they were light on staff, or she wanted to tell me she doesn't like her patients to get 3D/4D ultrasounds. Then a switch flipped.
She got my ultrasound results today.
The doctor would only call if something was wrong.
And then I started to panic. I called the office and told the receptionist I had a message to call Dr. Estrada. She asked if I remember the name of the nurse and I said that is was actually Dr. E. She acted surprised (which scared me more) and said let me see if I can get her. At this time I am on my way driving to get Brooks from school. Dr. Estrada gets on the phone right away and says. . .
We are going to send you to a perinatologist, Dr Ridgeway at Overland Park Regional, we already made sure that take your insurance. On the sonogram they only saw one kidney and the fluid was very low. (I asked if we were talking about a viability issue.) She said that babies can live with one kidney and the good news was the spine, stomach, heart, femurs, skull, etc. all looked really good.
So at this point I am still quite contained. I had thought our sonographer wasn't real thorough so maybe she just missed it? Maybe the fluid was because I was dehydrated? I am sure it was just a fluke that will be figured out!
By the time Josh made it home from work I was getting nervous. He walked in and said the usual hellos and then looked at me and asked what was wrong. I said, "the baby only has one kidney and really low fluid". As I was telling him I burst into tears. Saying it out loud made me realize just how serious this might be.
And then the stress of waiting and mind wandering began. The first appointment the perinatologist had was on Thursday at 11:30. Oh good God! So I called the office and asked them to please call if they had a cancellation. They called later and there was an appt. at 11:30 on Wed.
So the peri appoint comes and we have hashed out every possible scenario and how we would feel. I was fine until they got us back into the room with the big plasma screen to view the ultrasound. At that point my nerves got the best of me and I lost it. In all honesty, I never stopped crying the entire appointment, even before we knew anything. Mothers intuition. . .I knew it was bad!
Dr. Ridgeview was wonderful and it was of course wonderful to see Sweet Pea on the big screen. he gave us the facts, no sugarcoating, but somehow he still did seem sympathetic. We asked questions, he gave more information, we ask more questions and he gave us even more information. The main words I heard were when he said, "this is not a baby that can live outside of you".
The magnitude of the situation hit me at that point. We were not going to raising our baby. There would be no hugs, no kisses, no Christmas mornings, no first steps, no snuggle times or birthday parties. This is the reality!
Our baby had no bladder, a multicystic kidney, a missing kidney, underdeveloped lungs, and absolutely no amniotic fluid. There is no changing this. You can't magically create a bladder, you can't do anything about underdeveloped lungs.
So dare we ask Dr. Ridgeview. . . what are our choices?
1. Carry the pregnancy to term and lose the baby
2. End the pregnancy now and lose the baby
Where is choice 3? Because neither of the two up there are choices any parent should have to make regarding their child. Unfortunately. . . no 3rd choice. That's it. Nobody else can help us decide. Just Josh and I with the weight of the world on our shoulders praying and hoping we make the right decision. No matter what the outcome is we have lost our child. . . forever!
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2 comments:
What a hard choice you guys have had to make, a decision that no parent should ever have to. My heartbreaks for you, sending you peace and prayers!
Your post just had tears streaming down my face. The realization that something is wrong and your life is going to change forever is just terrible. I am so sorry for all of you.
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