Our friends Ami and David came over tonight to bring us dinner. It was SO nice of them to think of us during this stressful time. We talked them into staying to eat with us. It was so fun and relaxing to spend time with them. It reminds us how much we miss living by them. They are both such good listeners and have always been very supportive of us. They also experienced a loss in the past so it was nice to have someone who understood, in a roundabout way.
Two days ago I had my first regret. I wondered if we made the right decision. I realized I would still be carrying Sweet Pea had we made the other choice. I miss feeling the baby kick and flip. I miss people looking at me and knowing I was pregnant. I miss Brooks telling me my belly is getting bigger. I miss the excitement of being pregnant. I miss looking online at crib bedding and baby stuff. My brain knows we made the right decision, but my heart says something different. My heart says maybe the baby would have made it. Maybe I would have been a parent to two. Maybe all the love in the world could have saved Sweet Pea. Again, I know these thoughts are all from my heart, but I still wonder what it would have been like had I carried Sweet Pea to term. There would be official record of Sweet Pea's existence. I wouldn't have the weight of the "procedure" I had done on my shoulders. I would have been able to see Sweet Pea and know if the baby was a he/she. But. . . I know the reality of everything is it wouldn't be the way I imagine it. It would be heartbreaking, painful, and debilitating. It would tear our hearts out to see our child die so quickly after birth. But in my dreams, it always looks different and the outcome is always better.
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2 comments:
Meg- My heart just breaks for all of you. I am sure those are feelings and questions you will have your whole lift. The way I see it, a mother always cares for and does what is best for her child. You looked at all you were given and did what was the best decision for your baby. I imagine the heartbreak will never fully go away, but I think acceptance will come to you.
Meg-My heart also breaks for you. I can't even begin to understand the pain you have been through. I pray for comfort and strength for you and I thank you for sharing with us. Erin
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