A little apprehensive, but reflective!

Tomorrow I see Dr. Hodes for my follow up. I am pretty apprehensive about it. Partially because the last time I saw him my world was falling apart. He is like a funeral director. The only time you see them are for a "bad reason". I just keep telling myself it will all go okay and I will be done with the physical part of losing Sweet Pea.

I have come to realize there are pregnant women everywhere! Okay, that sounds like a dumb statement, but good God, I think Johnson county is the fertile capital of the world. Everywhere you turn there are preggos and most often they have at least one other fairly young child with them. HOWEVER. . . the worst experience I have had to face is the pregnant woman who was shopping in the baby section with her mother. I do believe time stood still as I stared at what I used to have. Not only did I used to be pregnant, but I use to have my Mom. Whenever Mom and I shopped for Brooks, while he was still in utero, I never thought about the women around me. I never wondered if seeing Mom and I together was painful. Did it remind them of their loss, baby or mother? It is odd how everything is relative. After Mom died I thought nothing could be worse than what I was experiencing. Then add on the loss of our baby and I think I have officially reached my breaking point. I am just praying to God that nothing else severe happens in my life anytime soon or I might just give up. It would be, "the straw that broke the camel's back" for sure!

I guess when I look back on the 25 years I had with my Mom, I am so thankful that I got to experience what it felt like to have someone that truly loved me as a mother should. Her love was unconditional, everlasting, intense, kind, joyful, etc. Some of the best memories I have in my life are with my Mom. (Really I should say with my family, my Dad is the best Dad in the world. I am very blessed to have two AMAZING parents.) I have never laughed so hard with someone, been so similar to someone, or enjoyed someone like I did my Mom. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE spending time with Brooks, Josh, my Dad, Tiff, etc., but I was able to revert back into a child when I was with Mom (whether good or bad). It seems like with everyone else I have a role and responsibilities. I am a mother, wife, daughter (I am always wanting to "take care" of my Dad), sister, etc. With Mom I could just be Meg, the goofy little girl. I was always able to be that with my Dad also, but the roles change when a member of the family passes away. Once Mom passed away I needed and wanted to be there for my Dad in a much more maternal and responsible way. I felt like I needed to help close the gap of my Mom's loss.

Then when I became a mother I wanted all the same wonderful things for Brooks. I wanted him to feel the warmth, comfort, and safety a true mother's love brings. Everyday I work to make this happen for him. Some days I am better at it than others, but hopefully, regardless of how many years I have on this earth, I pray he will feel the joy I felt being a child to Mom. I hope I am showing him that in this world there is nothing I am more proud of and more devoted to than him!

Now this does relate to Sweet Pea's passing. . .
Since I now "know" all of these things I listed above having been a mother, the pain of losing Sweet Pea is 100 times more intense. I know what would have been. I can see what I am missing out on with my baby. And I will never get a shot at it with him/her. That is what truly breaks my heart!


“Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted.” -Garrison Keillor