I think I did pretty good this week!

Whew! What a week! I am so glad it is almost Friday. Although, I can't believe it has been a week since we lost Sweet Pea. I guess time really does march on.

I just have share my successes for the week because I am quite proud if I do say so myself! :-)

Monday I took the baby gear we had bought back to Target. Luckily we only had the swing and highchair to return. Everything else I am going to keep for now. . .or later. So I loaded up the stuff and walked in thinking to myself, "if only everyone knew why I was here". I went up to the counter and told the worker I needed to return these things. I waited for his response. . . "Is there anything wrong with them?" I wanted to shout at him that they were all fine, but my baby wasn't so I wouldn't be needing them, but I mustered a simple "no". You would be amazed at the amount of strength just muttering a simple no took. However he didn't ask anymore questions and I didn't make any small talk as I would usually do. (Success #1) I went ahead and walked around Target because I LOVE to walk around Target. I avoided the baby section like the plague because I had been there the Thursday before our ultrasound and picked out some things I wanted to buy based on if it was a girl or boy. Okay. . .time to go!

I was on my way to the Dodge dealer because my wonderful husband bought me a new car on Saturday to lift my spirits. (We had been talking about trading the van in.) However, on Sunday, even though I parked far away, someone let a shopping cart ding and scratch my less than 24 hour old car. Grrrrrr!!!! The dealership would be able to fix it at noon so I headed to Panera with my laptop to get some work done (free WiFi). While I was there I saw a parent of my one of my old students. We talked a little about her son and she asked about my family. I told her Brooks has just turned 4. . . and then I waited for it. "So when are you going to have another one?" she asked. An innocent enough question a week ago, but a fully loaded question now. I smiled (although it probably looked more like I had gas) and said, "we will just have to see". (Success #2)

My car got fixed. Yeah! And I made it through the rest of the day. I will say that Monday was one of the most difficult because Brooks was back at school and Josh was at work. Normally these times when I was alone I would talk with Sweet Pea about all kinds of things and now there was nobody to talk to.

Tuesday came and went.

Wednesday I had to go in to work. I thought all of them knew, but that wasn't the case. One of my coworkers asked how I was feeling. When I answered fine he followed up with, "it's not twins is it?" My coworker across the table winked at me as the tears started to fall. Luckily she told me she would tell him. I told her thank you because I just couldn't say it yet. (Success #3)

Thursday was a "good" day. I talked with the lady at the cemetary who we worked with when Mom passed away. No tears. (Success #4) I think for now we have decided against a burial. Then I went to Amos to pick up Sweet Pea's ashes. I walked in and not only was I thinking about all the memories with Mom, but I was wondering why I had to be back in this place of having lost someone so close to me again. As I walked into the office the receptionist smiled and asked how she could help me. I told her that I was here to pick up my baby's ashes. Mid-sentence Mark walked in who did all the arrangements with us for Mom and asked what I was doing? He is always so kind and remembers me everytime I come in there for something. He even gave me a tour of the prep room when I asked. Anyway, he heard me say "my baby's ashes" and that look came over his face and he said, "you lost a baby". I explained that last week when I called I had asked for him but he was on vacation. They went to the back of the office to get the ashes and I about gasped when they opened the cabinets and they were full to the brim of boxes of people's ashes. That was a little unnerving. Pretty much all of the boxes were about a shoebox size, but not mine. They brought me this box that was about the size of those little animal cracker boxes. I actually was kind of at peace when they handed it to me. (Success #5) The box was sealed and had a label that said, "The Body of Baby Jahnke" and then some number for identification. I had already decided I was going to take the ashes over to the cemetary and open them on Mom's bench. After talking with Mark for awhile about anything and everything I headed to the cemetary.

Opening the ashes was really scary. I wasn't sure what they would look like so I guess I was just a little scared of the unknown. But I opened them "with" Mom. (Success #6) I talked with her for awhile and asked her to take care of Sweet Pea.

Afterwards I was spent. I headed home to get some work done and realized that although life would never be the same, maybe it would someday feel okay.